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22
Sep
13

starting in early this year

By thissideofgaudy Leave a Comment
Categories: Family and Medical
Tags: ,

For many of us who have dealt with breast cancer, October is a month of pure torment. We steel ourselves to deal with an onslaught of light pink (side note: Why is this the only cancer/condition with a pastel color? We are not weaklings or children who must be carried!) and pressure to “contribute” to ending this scourge. Believe me, I have contributed. I signed over all the tissue taken from me (otherwise known as my breasts and some lymph nodes) for testing. The results of only using surgery with no follow-up Tamoxifen were also shown when I could not tolerate the drug without losing my sanity.

I do not want to be rude, but I have the right to deal with this in my own way. That way is to avoid it as much as possible. I do NOT want to buy or wear things in that detested color. I am NOT being selfish when I say “No, thank you”. I am trying, as best I can, to maintain my composure and dignity. Do people think I have forgotten what happened? To them, I say, “I remember it every morning when I look in the mirror. It comes back to me when I come across evidence of an event that occurred which I do not remember.”. I will never forget and I will never be the same. But, I will not let this become me. I will not center my life around this single event.

So, what brought on this semi-rant? This morning, when the alarm went off, there was a program interviewing a rather perky woman about her experience. There is much pressure on “survivors/victims” to play nice and be permanently cheerful when discussing this topic.

I will NOT play nice. This is not a nice topic. This is a war. I took heavy casualties in the battle. I will not forget, I will not forgive, I will not surrender. Please, can we keep the organized reminders confined to October?? Remember, you are wearing our pain.–TSG

16
Sep
13

at the starting gate

By thissideofgaudy Leave a Comment
Categories: Medical and Self-Improvement
Tags: ,

As of Friday, I was at 244. I am trying to lose the weight slowly, so my goal is a pound a week. And, I’m off!

08
Sep
13

it’s on….and i want it off

By thissideofgaudy Leave a Comment
Categories: Medical, Self-Improvement and Thoughts on turning 50
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Yesterday, I went out to get some new work clothes. I have long hated trying things on because I carry my weight in my hips whereas many women carry theirs at the waist. So, pants that I know will fit me in the waist often do not make it up that far. A case in point is the beautiful cobalt blue leather pair I tried on yesterday. I am in deep mourning over this because I love leather.

In my closet there hangs a lovely black leather a-line skirt that FMP bought me the Christmas RTA was one. It is a size eight and fit me like a glove at one time. Not only that, it looks classy and wears like iron. I am not going to set a goal to get back into it right now because I am in at least a 16 now. Instead, I am going to aim for the purple skirt I wore one Easter. It, too, is a classic a-line, but almost hits the floor while the other is knee-length. The size has long worn off the label and I can’t remember what it was. It is such an outstanding color!

So, here’s the plan: One regular soda in the morning because I don’t drink coffee. After that, water or iced tea. Walk around the campus every day at about 4:00pm. Take fruit to eat instead of something from the machines. Try to get a bit more movement in by walking over to ask people questions or relay information when possible and practical.

Why have I suddenly made this resolve? Well, “critical mass” has been reached; my upper story bounces when I walk. Although I have no feeling in the breasts themselves due to the reconstruction, I can feel the up and down motion pulling on other parts of my chest. This annoys me no end. I remember the sensation from when I nursed the children. I love them dearly, but it was always something of a relief to go back to my normal size when they were weaned. I don’t know what other women use a gauge of when they really need to lose weight. This is mine.

Those of you who pray are invited to join me in asking God to help me not crave sweets as I normally do. Thanks!–TSG

03
Sep
13

if i had been left alone

By thissideofgaudy 4 Comments
Categories: Medical and Thoughts on turning 50
Tags: , , ,

Sometimes, I wonder what my body would have aged like if it had been left to its own devices. In 2003, both of my breasts were removed and reconstructed with tissue from my abdomen. The medicine I was given to help prevent a recurrence of the cancer left me with (briefly) OCD and (more lingeringly) panic attacks. The psychoactive medicines I was given to help with this were known to cause weight gain, so my traumatic-illness-induced hypothyroidism went undiagnosed until I had gained some 90 pounds. Finally, I was thrown into menopause suddenly in 2011 when a fibroid tumor almost led to my bleeding to death. The doctors felt that, given my history of breast cancer, it would be best to take my ovaries along with my uterus. I am still dealing with the hot flashes from that experience.

I have two sisters. I sometimes look at them and wonder whether I would have aged as they did or some totally different way. I am glad that I got to age at all, but that doesn’t mean I don’t wish I’d been left to age normally. Could we PLEASE find a way to stop this disease so that women can age as they should. The mastectomy got rid of the cancer by removing anyplace it could go. I don’t consider that a cure. I know this can be done; many other cancers have a successful treatment. I wonder if all the hype is slowing up the research. There is a lot of money in “support” for breast cancer “survivors”. That money would go away if a cure were found. Do our “supporters” really want a cure or is the money just too good to let go? By the way, I am neither a “survivor” nor a “victim”. I was sick and now I am well. That is all! Now, let’s find a way to achieve that without maiming women for life.–TSG

05
Aug
13

the doctor vs. the gym

By thissideofgaudy Leave a Comment
Categories: Medical and Self-Improvement

I have been weighing myself on the manual scales at work. Thursday, they said I still weighed 246. Friday, the doctor’s scale of the same type read 241. I am sure you know which I like better. There is an electronic scale at the college, but it is in the office, which is rarely open in the summer. So, for the duration, I am not going to weigh myself. I will start again when I have access to a scale that is not used by all and sundry.

TSG

03
Aug
13

the return of irp

By thissideofgaudy Leave a Comment
Categories: Children, Family, Gratitude and Medical
Tags: , , , ,

Hurrah! The blockage in IRP’s intestine has resolved itself and she is back home. We are truly grateful for the prayers and well-wishes of everyone. Next week, IRP and FMP will be going to consult with a surgeon about the reversal of IRP’s temporary colostomy. If it pleases God, this will be the end of IRP’s struggles. Oh, how we hope and pray it is!

In other news, my brother is marrying again. He has been married to this woman before and we are very happy to have her and her children back in our lives. As a bonus, she will be gifting us with a baby girl in December. Oh, how we love adding children to our family! The rottenness in our family is unbelievable. And, it all starts before we even see the child’s ultrasound. The moment a child is conceived, we know that s/he is a person with a unique and special purpose. My brother and his fiancée have already refused the test for Down’s Syndrome because it carries a small risk of harming the child. Since nothing will change their intent to have Little Miss HM (of course she has a name), they see no point in risking her life to find out. Other tests that may reveal challenges but carry no risk of harm will be performed so that we may better care for her when she makes her grand entry. We are, of course, praying for an uneventful pregnancy and delivery, but God has a plan no matter what happens. Just because we are not in on all of it doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist.

IRP’s suffering also has a purpose. We are totally in the dark as to what it is. In time, perhaps He will show us. If not, we will trust until we stand before Him and learn all.

Hoping your weekend has started on such a good note,
TSG

30
Jul
13

this is a bad day

By thissideofgaudy Leave a Comment
Categories: Children, Family and Medical
Tags: , , , ,

Once more, one of RTA’s brothers-in-arms has killed himself. I often joke about “RTA’s ‘little friends'”, but in reality, their association with my child has made them my sons. And now, another of my children is dead. I often hear of programs designed to prevent such things, but they don’t seem to be helping much from my point of view. I can no longer count (although I am sure RTA can remind me) how many he and I have lost. RTA and one of my other sons have an idea that I think will probably be more effective since they have been there. My prayer is now that they will find the funds, the will and the help to succeed. I am willing to do anything to help them. Anything to save my boys. If I hurt this much at this remove, I cannot imagine how RTA and AVB (Andrew of the Volleyball), his business partner, feel.

At the same time, IRP is in the hospital with the doctors trying one more thing to clear the blockage in her intestines before they must operate. She is barely speaking to me because I lost it and yelled at her because she was not following instructions or doing anything to help herself. Since scar tissue is the main cause of her on-going problems, every surgery seems like just a set-up for more trouble. I am praying fervently that it doesn’t come to that.

I thought about starting this post with a question as to how one can sleep all night and wake up feeling as if they hadn’t been to bed at all. I think, though, that I have answered my own question.

All prayers and good thoughts gratefully received,

TSG

26
Jul
13

down and then up

By thissideofgaudy Leave a Comment
Categories: Children, Family and Medical
Tags: , ,

Yesterday, the doctors took another set of scans of IRP’s abdomen to see how things were progressing. There is still some distension of the area of intestine where the blockage was. They were also concerned that she had not passed anything but gas into the temporary colostomy bag. So, they had the tube put six inches further down so that it is now draining from the small intestine instead of the stomach.

For a bit, this made things worse for IRP. The new position of the tube puts pressure on her right eye socket. It was rather painful. Also, her abdomen began to swell again and was very tender to the touch. Finally, we were having trouble controlling her pain in general.

The nurse brought an ice pack for IRP’s eye. Then, she put IRP’s pain medication on an every-four-hour schedule. The result of these two actions is that IRP is now so comfortable that she is sleeping and moving about in her sleep normally. The tube has also done its work and her abdomen is flat once more. Now, we just need her to pass something and we can begin to look forward to her discharge.

Thanks for all your prayers and well-wishes!

TSG

18
Jul
13

now that i’m done complaining

By thissideofgaudy Leave a Comment
Categories: Medical, Self-Improvement and Thoughts on turning 50
Tags: ,

After the rant of some weeks ago regarding everything I thought was going wrong, I am ready to do what I can about what I can. With that in mind, I have taken up walking the campus of the college (about 1 mile) every day at 3:00. On Thursday or Friday (whichever is our last day of the week), I am going to weigh myself. I will wear the same clothes and shoes each time so that everything is equal. Today, I am at 246. This is not the most I have ever weighed, but it is uncomfortably close. I will be rounding down if I fall between two numbers both for morale reasons and because of the running shoes. Yes, I am aware that I am not running, but they provide better support. Maybe I will eventually become ambitious and try a little running.

TSG

23
Jun
13

Sometimes, it’s nice to be wrong

By thissideofgaudy 2 Comments
Categories: Medical

Friday, I went to the doctor for a regular check-up. Considering the stress I have been under and my tendency to eat in those circumstances, I felt like I had gained weight. Imagine my happy surprise to find that I had actually lost four pounds. Doing the happy dance, now!

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