this is a bad day

Once more, one of RTA’s brothers-in-arms has killed himself. I often joke about “RTA’s ‘little friends'”, but in reality, their association with my child has made them my sons. And now, another of my children is dead. I often hear of programs designed to prevent such things, but they don’t seem to be helping much from my point of view. I can no longer count (although I am sure RTA can remind me) how many he and I have lost. RTA and one of my other sons have an idea that I think will probably be more effective since they have been there. My prayer is now that they will find the funds, the will and the help to succeed. I am willing to do anything to help them. Anything to save my boys. If I hurt this much at this remove, I cannot imagine how RTA and AVB (Andrew of the Volleyball), his business partner, feel.

At the same time, IRP is in the hospital with the doctors trying one more thing to clear the blockage in her intestines before they must operate. She is barely speaking to me because I lost it and yelled at her because she was not following instructions or doing anything to help herself. Since scar tissue is the main cause of her on-going problems, every surgery seems like just a set-up for more trouble. I am praying fervently that it doesn’t come to that.

I thought about starting this post with a question as to how one can sleep all night and wake up feeling as if they hadn’t been to bed at all. I think, though, that I have answered my own question.

All prayers and good thoughts gratefully received,


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