Tonight, my parents, siblings and a few friends are joining my family at Babbin’s, a local seafood restaurant. There will be fun, fellowship and alligator appetizers for the adventurous among us. No, it does not “taste just like chicken”. Afterwards, we will be going to my parent’s house for cake. The only ones missing will be RTA and MFA, who live too far away to come (insert frowny face here). I told FMP that this all sounded a bit expensive and he asked me if I intended to turn 50 again. Since I don’t, I had to concede his point. On with the festivities!!
Archive Page 10
16
Nov
13
time to party
16
Nov
13
i made it, so there!
Despite my upper original equipment’s trying to kill me at 39 and my lower original equipment’s trying to kill me at 47, I have reached the auspicious age of 50. My beautiful, belovéd cousin, Kelly, was taken by a form of the first disease that tried to make off with me before she could reach this milestone. In thankfulness to God and in memory of her, I intend to have a very good year for my 50th. This will not bring her back, but I hope God will let her know that I remember her with love.~TSK
24
Oct
13
i ran, but i couldn’t hide
Yesterday, as usual, I stayed home while the college I work at held their annual “Pink Out”. As you can probably guess, this involves everyone’s wearing pink to support breast cancer awareness. I don’t work on this day because I cannot handle this; it gives me panic attacks. So, I stay home and do things I would do if I were on vacation.
This year however, I had panic attacks anyway. This stemmed from an innocent conversation with a co-worker. Let me say up front that I know this person meant well and is just concerned for me. When I said that I would not be in on Wednesday, s/he asked why. I explained that it was too painful for me and that it caused panic attacks. S/he asked, “Have you sought professional help for this?”. I felt as if someone had slapped me across the face. The “correct” way of dealing with breast cancer has so worked itself into the collective consciousness that my reaction to it is seen as a “problem”. If I had announced that I could not attend a meeting about SIDS (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome) because I had lost a child in that manner (I did not, but I feel great sorrow for those who have), no one would have said a word. But, because I don’t want to be pink and cheerful over having my quality of life permanently damaged; I need help.
I do NOT need help. I need people to get that there is something wrong with this entire process. In the 1960’s, when I was born, the main treatment for this cancer was removal of breasts. It is completely ridiculous that, almost 50 years later, that is still the standard! Seriously!? FIX THIS! We are not impressed.
If I were to start a charity, I would call it FixThisNow. There would be no t-shirts, mugs or other merchandise. Every penny not needed to keep things running would go straight to independent research not funded by anything but those monies. No corporations, no hospitals, no drug companies. Then, maybe we could get somewhere because no one would have a stake in keeping this disease around.
Women who have had breast cancer are not the problem, regardless of how they chose to cope. Cancer IS the problem and we need unbiased people trying to solve it.–TSG
16
Oct
13
‘escape plan’ review
Last night, FMP and I attended an advanced showing of the new Sylvester Stallone/Arnold Schwarzenegger film, “Escape Plan”. Predictably, Stallone started a fight, blew something up and escaped from a prison all in the first ten minutes.
Ray Breslin (Stallone) is the co-owner of a firm that specializes in testing prisons to see where the weaknesses in security will allow a prisoner to break out. Shortly after the opening scene, Breslin is back in his office with the rest of his team to discuss a new job offer. A young lady from the CIA offers twice the usual fee if Breslin will help test a new type of prison for people so bad that they need to be “disappeared”. At first, Ray is reluctant to take on the assignment, but his business partner, Lester Clark (Vincent D’Onofrio) talks him into it. The only catch is that no one else on the team can know where Ray is being taken.
Ray is “apprehended” in the street and finds himself in a huge room filled with clear box-like cells guarded by men wearing identical black uniforms and masks. He is introduced to the warden, Willard Hobbs (Jim Caviezel). If you have seen Caviezel in ‘Person of Interest”, you will appreciate his versatility in playing Hobbs, who is eeriely creepy. After being processed, Ray is taken to a cell.
Emil Rottmayer (Schwarzenegger) soon befriends Breslin and the two begin to plan their escape. At one point, Arnie gives an inspired impersonation of a man driven mad by the torture of solitary confinement. All doubts about his skill as an actor should be laid to rest based on this performance alone.
As expected, Breslin and Rottmayer succeed in the end. On the way, though, there are numerous surprise twists that you do not even suspect are coming.
The only reason this film has an R rating appears to be copious use of the F-word, but no more than you would expect from the type of criminal kept here. The violence and gore level are about equal to what can be seen in some prime-time television shows. A mature 13-year-old would probably be okay with this film.
On a five-star scale, I would give this a 5. There was plenty of action for FMP and enough of a plot to keep me happy.–TSG
07
Oct
13
note to self:
People who take two days off from work for “goofing-off purposes” should first make sure the college-aged children have transport.
22
Sep
13
starting in early this year
For many of us who have dealt with breast cancer, October is a month of pure torment. We steel ourselves to deal with an onslaught of light pink (side note: Why is this the only cancer/condition with a pastel color? We are not weaklings or children who must be carried!) and pressure to “contribute” to ending this scourge. Believe me, I have contributed. I signed over all the tissue taken from me (otherwise known as my breasts and some lymph nodes) for testing. The results of only using surgery with no follow-up Tamoxifen were also shown when I could not tolerate the drug without losing my sanity.
I do not want to be rude, but I have the right to deal with this in my own way. That way is to avoid it as much as possible. I do NOT want to buy or wear things in that detested color. I am NOT being selfish when I say “No, thank you”. I am trying, as best I can, to maintain my composure and dignity. Do people think I have forgotten what happened? To them, I say, “I remember it every morning when I look in the mirror. It comes back to me when I come across evidence of an event that occurred which I do not remember.”. I will never forget and I will never be the same. But, I will not let this become me. I will not center my life around this single event.
So, what brought on this semi-rant? This morning, when the alarm went off, there was a program interviewing a rather perky woman about her experience. There is much pressure on “survivors/victims” to play nice and be permanently cheerful when discussing this topic.
I will NOT play nice. This is not a nice topic. This is a war. I took heavy casualties in the battle. I will not forget, I will not forgive, I will not surrender. Please, can we keep the organized reminders confined to October?? Remember, you are wearing our pain.–TSG
16
Sep
13
at the starting gate
As of Friday, I was at 244. I am trying to lose the weight slowly, so my goal is a pound a week. And, I’m off!
08
Sep
13
it’s on….and i want it off
Yesterday, I went out to get some new work clothes. I have long hated trying things on because I carry my weight in my hips whereas many women carry theirs at the waist. So, pants that I know will fit me in the waist often do not make it up that far. A case in point is the beautiful cobalt blue leather pair I tried on yesterday. I am in deep mourning over this because I love leather.
In my closet there hangs a lovely black leather a-line skirt that FMP bought me the Christmas RTA was one. It is a size eight and fit me like a glove at one time. Not only that, it looks classy and wears like iron. I am not going to set a goal to get back into it right now because I am in at least a 16 now. Instead, I am going to aim for the purple skirt I wore one Easter. It, too, is a classic a-line, but almost hits the floor while the other is knee-length. The size has long worn off the label and I can’t remember what it was. It is such an outstanding color!
So, here’s the plan: One regular soda in the morning because I don’t drink coffee. After that, water or iced tea. Walk around the campus every day at about 4:00pm. Take fruit to eat instead of something from the machines. Try to get a bit more movement in by walking over to ask people questions or relay information when possible and practical.
Why have I suddenly made this resolve? Well, “critical mass” has been reached; my upper story bounces when I walk. Although I have no feeling in the breasts themselves due to the reconstruction, I can feel the up and down motion pulling on other parts of my chest. This annoys me no end. I remember the sensation from when I nursed the children. I love them dearly, but it was always something of a relief to go back to my normal size when they were weaned. I don’t know what other women use a gauge of when they really need to lose weight. This is mine.
Those of you who pray are invited to join me in asking God to help me not crave sweets as I normally do. Thanks!–TSG
04
Sep
13
rta and avb update
Well, those who think there is no God or, if there is, He doesn’t care about us, should not read further. It would just make them angry. Today, RTA was announced as the winner in a contest for gear. He had been entering once a day forever. The prize is enough clothing, eyewear, and other gear to get his and AVB’s new company off to a great start. As you may remember, I have been praying that they would have the will, means and help to do what they have planned. Last month, AVB met with a gentleman who is going to supply the means. Today, they got the help. All that is left is the will and they are both full of that. Thank you, Father, we truly are grateful!-TSG
03
Sep
13
if i had been left alone
Sometimes, I wonder what my body would have aged like if it had been left to its own devices. In 2003, both of my breasts were removed and reconstructed with tissue from my abdomen. The medicine I was given to help prevent a recurrence of the cancer left me with (briefly) OCD and (more lingeringly) panic attacks. The psychoactive medicines I was given to help with this were known to cause weight gain, so my traumatic-illness-induced hypothyroidism went undiagnosed until I had gained some 90 pounds. Finally, I was thrown into menopause suddenly in 2011 when a fibroid tumor almost led to my bleeding to death. The doctors felt that, given my history of breast cancer, it would be best to take my ovaries along with my uterus. I am still dealing with the hot flashes from that experience.
I have two sisters. I sometimes look at them and wonder whether I would have aged as they did or some totally different way. I am glad that I got to age at all, but that doesn’t mean I don’t wish I’d been left to age normally. Could we PLEASE find a way to stop this disease so that women can age as they should. The mastectomy got rid of the cancer by removing anyplace it could go. I don’t consider that a cure. I know this can be done; many other cancers have a successful treatment. I wonder if all the hype is slowing up the research. There is a lot of money in “support” for breast cancer “survivors”. That money would go away if a cure were found. Do our “supporters” really want a cure or is the money just too good to let go? By the way, I am neither a “survivor” nor a “victim”. I was sick and now I am well. That is all! Now, let’s find a way to achieve that without maiming women for life.–TSG
In the Ensuing Panic 
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